Am I in an abusive relationship?
This is not an easy or enjoyable topic. I agree. But October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I couldn’t let it pass by without talking about such an important issue. Especially because when you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s easy to feel confused and alone. So, this is for those wondering if what is happening in your relationship is considered abusive? Or for those of you who are not aware that you’re experiencing abuse, but also know that something just isn’t right.
First, abuse can be physical, emotional, and / or verbal. All three may occur together, or just one of these alone. It may start early in the relationship or can be a gradual build-up of escalated arguments growing in frequency and intensity. Sometimes it starts with just the verbal and later becomes physical.
What are the signs of an abusive relationship?
- Physical Abuse such as pushing, pulling, shoving, slapping, punching, hitting with hands or objects, strangling, sexual aggressiveness or assault
- Verbal Abuse such as putting you down, humiliating you in front of others, making fun of you, name calling or calling you by curse words
- Emotional Abuse such as threatening you, threatening to hurt themselves or others, dismiss you or laugh when you cry or become emotional, blame you for their behavior or other things going wrong, use manipulation
- Your partner is easily jealous
- Isolates you from friends and family
- Wants to control what you wear, where you go, or with money
Common reactions you may be feeling as a result:
- You stop to argue or stand up for yourself either out of fear, to keep the situation from escalating, or because it takes too much energy and you just want it to stop.
- You begin to ignore, dismiss, or push your own emotions away.
- You begin to doubt yourself and your own judgment.
- You start to question if you’re the one that’s wrong and/or causing the problem.
- You try so hard to be attentive, understanding, listen, and empathize with your partner but don’t feel you’re getting it in return.
- You feel depressed, confused, don’t want to do anything, or face others.
- Don’t feel like yourself anymore and have lost your self-confidence.
Why does it happen?
There could be many reasons a person becomes abusive towards another. Often its because of one’s fears and insecurities. Someone who is feeling not good enough will fear losing their partner because of what they believe they’re lacking. If they lose their partner than what he or she believes is true in their mind.
This underlying fear creates jealousy, a need for attention, and a constant reassurance. He or she needs to know what their partner is doing, who they’re with, or if they cheating. Some will become jealous of family members or friends because they feel they are losing your attention. If you express your frustrations or anger, your partner may often take it personally and become defensive because again, they believe you’re saying they’re not worthy. Sometimes project his or her feelings on to you and make you feel you’re not worthy.
Of course, this pattern leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. One’s insecurities creates a need for control but causes stress, fear, anger, and resentment in their partner. After some time, the partner has had enough and ends the relationship, reinforcing their very fear.
It’s common that you experience a pattern of escalation followed by apologies, promises to change, compliments, or gifts. This is call the Honeymoon Phase. Instead of it occurring only in the beginning of a relationship, it occurs after each escalated argument. And it is brief before tension and escalation arise again. Pretty soon, escalation occurs without any honeymoon phase at all.
How can I get help?
Here is a list of resources local to San Diego as well as national resources for you that will provide tips on a safety plan, suggested places to go, as well as undisclosed shelters. Please consider researching this information on someone else’s devices if your partner is one to check your internet history, phone, etc. Maybe devices of a family member, friend, or public library. These phone numbers are 24 hours.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-877-633-1112
Women’s Resource Center (760) 757-3500
Center for Community Solutions (760) 753-1156
Your local police department or if life threatening, 911
If you are still not sure if this is what is occurring in your relationship and need some guidance, please contact me.