If you’ve ever been in therapy or a creative writing class, I’m guessing it was suggested to that you grab a journal and write away. As a therapist, it’s a tool I recommend to my clients all the time. Whether it’s during sessions, in between sessions, as well as continuing after therapy ends.

Other than the cost of a journal itself, it is a free therapist in your bag that can be taken and used anywhere.

I find that when clients journal, they bring new insights they gained into their next session, only allowing therapy to move more quickly and smoothly.

Use journaling to process a struggle you’re going through or share a happy moment that you want to make a memory of.  Keep it and look at it several months later.  Or, tear off the pages as soon as you’re done.  Rip it in pieces and throw it in the trash. A cathartic step for many.

The key is to not think too much. Instead, let your thoughts and your hand flow. Your mind knows when to stop. It’s as if your thoughts just stop and your hand follows suit. It may bring tears, but that is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing.

Feeling anxious about writing emotions on paper?

Writing emotions has the same effect as expressing it verbally. It feels scary.  Anxiety driven if you’ve learned to push them way down deep, not to be spoken of.

If this is you, pull out your favorite coloring tools: crayons, color pencils, or markers. Gel pens are my favorite. Then choose a color that represents an emotion to you. For example, red for anger, blue for sad, yellow for happy, etc. (Can you tell what I would choose?). Then just color what you’re feeling. Again, don’t think too much. Let your hands choose the color it’s drawn too. Scribble or draw what it wants.

SO, WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF JOURNALING?

1.  Gain insight.  Emotional stress can get us wrapped up in thoughts and choices.  We can’t see the forest from the trees.  We feel lost and don’t know what to do.  Journaling helps us to take a step back, release the thoughts and emotions, and gain some clarity as to why we’re feeling the way we are.  When we can connect the dots, things make more sense, and we automatically feel more at ease with this new understanding.
2. Recognize patterns.  Stepping back helps us see how we get triggered and react to those triggers.  It’s only when we gain awareness of our reaction patterns that we can then change them.  You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t change what you don’t know.”
3. Problem solve.  With life, comes problems and difficult decisions.  A journal is a good place to write down all our options, the consequences of each option, good and bad, and how we feel about them. Then we can take a step back and choose the right decision for us in this situation, this conflict with our partner, etc.
4. Release and let go.  The main reason journaling is suggested by therapists.  Journaling is a place to say anything and everything you want to say without having to hold back.  No worries about hurting someone, being judged, criticized, or embarrassed by what you’re feeling and believing in the moment.  If verbalizing your emotions is too hard and scary, then writing it in a book nobody will ever see (unless you want them too) is a safe place.  And it’s better to get it out on paper than to hold it in and have it come out later in a way that only causes you more anxiety, shame, or embarrassment.  It’s normal to become tearful when you’re journaling, and this is good!  It may not feel good, but it’s just another way to release.  You’ll get some weight off your shoulders and be able to breathe again.
5. Create Ideas.  Journaling doesn’t have to be only for negative or difficult situations.  Maybe you have a vision and need to put it down on paper.  A great idea came to mind and you need to write it down before you forget.  Sometimes you can get to the idea by just starting with smaller ideas.
6. Express gratitude.  Taking time to write down a list of what we are grateful for in our life.  Big or small.  When we can see on paper all the things that we have in our lives, it helps to wash out the negatives and allows room for happiness and appreciation.  Things suddenly don’t feel so bad.  (I can suddenly here Julie Andrews singing in my head, “a few of my favorite things,”).

According to Amy Morin, “Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., a leading gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the link between gratitude and well-being. His research confirms that gratitude effectively increases happiness and reduces depression.”

(https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/)

Now I often get, “How do I journal? I don’t know what to write about.”  Stay tuned for my blog on “How to Journal.”  For now, if you like to give it a go, have fun with it.  You can find journals on Amazon, at Dollar Tree or any book, art, or craft store.  Pick one that goes with your personality: color, flowers, geometric, leather bound.  Choose a writing or coloring tool that you like best.  Recall coloring books as a kid?

Some even like to put their favorite quote, lyric, or bible verse on the inside of the front cover.  Maybe a collage of your favorite things.  This is a good reminder when you’re having a bad day and it lifts you up.   This is just for you!

One more tip:

Handwriting is best.  Many like to use their tablets or laptops, but the way our brain processes information is through thoughts, emotions, THEN sends it to the body.  Handwriting is a physical movement and part of the brain’s communication.  Notice when your journaling, if your handwriting or pressure with the writing tool changes.  We often will press hard with escalated emotions or more, sloppy as our hands try to keep up with our thoughts.  All this is part of the communication process within the mind and necessary to come to a resolution or healing.

Our body likes to be the luggage for our emotions. Holding and containing it all inside so that nobody can see. You stuff it and stuff it until it gets so full that it takes all your physical effort to push the top down to zip it shut.   You’re hoping it’s not going to rip at the seams.  Stress begins to take its toll.

Our bodies, however, don’t have wheels. You’re not able to just lightly pull it along. You must carry it everywhere you go. Imagine carrying a luggage without wheels? The length of time you’re gripping the handle. The strain it takes on your arm, your back. You can only take so much. After a while, you’re arm begins to shake, tremble, and feel unbearably tight until your muscles just can’t give anymore. Your arms go limp, numb, and drop. You feel so exhausted. You know you can’t get rid of the luggage, but you can’t carry it anymore either. So, you just sit there with it and have no idea what to do. You feel stuck.

Our mind, heart, and body responds to stress in the same way.

The mind starts to ruminate, body begins to shake, tremble, you begin to cry uncontrollably, and you breathe so fast, you feel you can’t catch it. You’re so scared of losing control that you try to grip even harder. Anxiety takes control instead.

Soon, you become so tired of the anxiety, you just block everything out of your mind. You become numb, have no energy, motivation, and feel hopeless that you will be able to gain control again. And you don’t want anybody to see you “losing it,” so you stop going out and enjoy what you used too. You withdraw, isolate, and soon depression begins to creep in.

But imagine if you can begin to unzip the luggage, open it, and begin to take one thing out at a time. As it empties, it becomes lighter and lighter. How would you feel carrying that luggage now? Or better yet, put it away in the closet? You know it’s there but it’s safe and you don’t need it anymore. You can go about your day freely without feeling its weight slowing you down. It isn’t a constant reminder. Imagine what those around you would see now?

When you can begin talking about and allowing your emotions to flow, in a safe way and with the right support, your heart, mind, and body become clearer and lighter. You have more energy, more presence with those around you, only filling yourself with enjoyment and laughter. No more suppression, just enjoying and coping when you need to so that you don’t have to lug anything around anymore.

Imagine that?

So, what are the ingredients for a safe and supportive environment?

Someone who can:

• Actively listen
  • without trying to “fix” you
  • without having to solve the problem for you
  • without trying to compete with who had it worse
• be Non-judgmental
  • No shaming comments
  • No “you should have”
  • No why’s
• Contain the space for you. Some people feel uncomfortable with feelings that they may unintentionally and quickly dismiss your feelings by saying, “Don’t worry. It will all work out. Don’t stress.” It’s not always that easy.
• Validate your emotions of what is your truth
• Empathize (not sympathize) with you (“I’m sorry you had to go through that” “Oh I remember when something similar happen to me. I get how you feel.”)
• Willing to ask and offer what you need

Can you think of someone in your life that has these qualities? Finding the right support is key. Remember, someone must earn the right to hear your story. These qualities build safety and trust. The two main ingredients needed to share and be vulnerable with another. If you feel you need support outside of friends or family to help you sort through the stress or heaviness you’re feeling, please contact me for a free 20-minute consult.

All morning, I knew I needed to get a project done. It’s been sitting in the back of my mind, just eating at me, causing some stress and anxiety.  I’m wanting so much to relax but can’t quite get there because there is this unfinished task that keeps wanting to call me.

It’s an, “I have too…”

Have too as in I don’t want too, not in the mood, and begin to feel the pressure.

Then, of course, what follows is the negative feelings of guilt and beliefs of “I’m failing. See, I’m not good enough.” Anxiety begins to kick in deep down in the chest and gut.

But instead of facing it, it gets put on the back burner. You know it’s there, but you ignore it. Instead, somehow, you trick yourself into thinking other things take priority. Everything else that isn’t done or is going wrong is suddenly in your complete awareness.

On this particular morning for me, there was unexpected laundry that needed to be done. As I walk through the house, I found myself grunting because of course, the last person who took the last roll on the paper towel roll couldn’t replace it with a new one. Then walked into the bathroom and AGAIN, nobody restocks the toilet paper rolls after using the last one. Really?

Body heat is now bubbling. The body is tight. Teeth are cringing. Thinking, “No wonder I can’t get my project done!”

You start snapping, blaming others for the stress you’re feeling, and announcing how you don’t feel appreciated. But not exactly using those word. Instead, announcing what isn’t being done, and yelling at a loved one to get it done, proclaiming they never help. You may start slamming things down, slamming doors, or even worse, don’t say anything at all. Instead, you huff and puff, do it yourself, and then shutdown. Don’t they know how you’re feeling and the stress you’re under?

And that’s the moment. Stress and anxiety has reached its boiling point. Anxiety has turned into Anger.

Sometimes it’s an unfinished project. Maybe an argument with your spouse, child, or coworker from weeks ago that never got resolved.  You have an underlying fear of being hurt, rejected, or judged and soon you don’t want to take the chance of expressing yourself. It just bottles up. You hold it within your mind and body until it reaches its capacity.

It’s usually not until the snapping or crying is over though that you suddenly realize, “Did I ask for help? Did I let them know what I needed? Am I expecting them to read my mind and just know what I’m going through?” You may (or may not) begin to realize that this isn’t about them necessarily. This is about being scared to express your needs for fear of being vulnerable and seen as weak. Fear that you’re not good enough because you’re not meeting expectations.

If you have ever been invalidated, hurt, violated, or manipulated by another, you’ve learned it’s not safe to be vulnerable. Openness and expression leads to negative results and consequences. Suppression is the only answer to stay in control and stay safe. You’re strong if you can manage your feelings by keeping them to yourself and get your job done without complaining.

Until you just can’t anymore.

Your emotions, thoughts, and body begin to feel out of control.

This the paradox to anxiety. The only way to be in true control is to know, understand, allow, and express your emotions. And the only way to do this is to gather the strength and courage to learn how to do so. How to be open and be vulnerable. Only then can you be in true control and feel confident in your strength.

This is where anxiety meets peace.

So how do you take steps towards vulnerability? By first taking steps to nurture you. Not others, You.

Step 1: Nurturance

Begin to change your thinking and learn to be okay with taking care of you first. Believe that you deserve this. This is not selfishness. This is necessary for you and for those around you. Repeat a mantra to yourself, “I deserve this, and my family deserves this.”

Step 2: Give yourself permission to pause

Taking a pause is not about weakness or laziness. It’s about opportunity to pay attention to what is going on internally.

You may have mastered suppression so well that when you want to express yourself, your body doesn’t allow you. The throat closes automatically. The breath stops. The mouth shuts. The body cringes and tightens. Maybe you’ve forgotten how to cry.

The fact that you may recognize this is already steps ahead. If you know your reaction is to automatically shut down, begin to do some of the following:

• taking 3 to 5 deep breaths several times throughout the day, every day.
• take a Yoga class
• Mindfulness meditation
• meditate on prayer
• journal

All of these will help you slow down and get to know your body and emotions better. Many assume the answer is in your mind. It isn’t. It’s in your body. Once you begin to listen to your physical sensations, you will begin to catch the shut-down mode sooner and be able to use some of the nurturing steps below.

Step 3: Learn to let go

• Pull out a paper and ask what expectations do you have for yourself?
• Are they realistic?
• Are these others’ expectations of you or are you assuming and expecting them of yourself? Really stop and think about this. Are you surprised by your answer?
• Who’s the voice in your head that puts those expectations there? A parent, teacher, boss?

Then ask if you can give at least one or more tasks to someone else. Ask for help, it’s okay.

You can’t be all, to everyone, all the time.

Use your support system and resources. If your feeling anxiety about giving control to someone else, pay attention to that. Is it okay that it’s not perfect? Listen to what your body is telling you about how you feel about this and allow that feeling to be there for a moment. This is vulnerability.

Do you have to get it done right at this moment? Can you give yourself permission to do it a later? Today, you may feel getting it done now is better than waiting and tomorrow, you may feel the opposite. Either one is okay, not wrong. It doesn’t make you less than. Again, pay attention to what your body is telling you. This is vulnerability.

Finally, what are the expectations you are putting on others? Are those realistic? Do they know these expectations?

Step 4: Do something that brings you joy and pleasure

When was the last time you did something you enjoy? Take out a piece of paper and list what you did as a kid that you loved. Puzzles, building, coloring, drawing, riding your bike, skating. These don’t have to stop just because you’re an adult. List a hobby that you’ve been wanting to do but put it aside. Is there a class you can take (exercise, photography, writing, art i.e.)? This list can go on and on.

Step 5: Express yourself (in baby steps)

Doesn’t matter if its expressing it to yourself through journaling, meditating, art, even crying (yes, crying is a stress reliever); or if you express it to a love one or friend. The point is to release it one way or another.

The key to reducing anxiety and preventing escalated anger is to Nurture You with love, patience, and self-compassion. This will only lead to healing and trust. Healing and trust allows a space for empathy for you and others, which then leads to healthy, loving, and satisfying relationships.

Intimate relationships with yourself and/or others leads to connectedness and peace that you are enough. Believing you’re enough reduces anxiety to a much more reasonable level.