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9 Tips to Support You & Your Spouse with PTSD

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Feeling lost on how to support yourself and your spouse with PTSD?

Are you not feeling heard?  Your partner is not able to hear or handle your emotions.  Being extra cautious? You don’t know what or when he or she will be triggered.  Need tips to help you and your spouse diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?

As a trauma therapist, I love seeing the influx of articles, resources, and therapy treatment information growing to help change the stigma of PTSD and mental health.  My heart is filled when I see how many veterans, first responders, and other adults with childhood trauma are seeking therapy to heal from their traumatic experiences and regain a sense of stability and control again. But,

What about you, as the spouse, of a partner with PTSD?

Who is helping you to understand, cope, and later adjust to the changes that are happening in therapy?  When do you get to be heard and understood?  How do you know what is a healthy reaction or a PTSD trigger?  And what do you do when he or she is triggered?

These are common questions that I hear from partners of my clients or my clients reports of what their hearing from their partners.

Let me give you the key.

It’s important for you to support your partner during his or her time in treatment for PTSD, BUT, also important that you feel supported during his or her treatment too.  So, what does this look like?  Here are a few tips that can help.

  • Have a conjoint session with your partner and the therapist sometime within the first 6 weeks of his or her treatment. 

Notice I say not the first or even second session, but sometime early in therapy.  It’s important that your partner begins to build a sense of safety and trust with the therapist.  This step sets an important foundation in the therapeutic relationship, which is one of the contributing factors to a person’s success in therapy.  It’s okay to let your partner make the decision as to when the conjoint session should take place, and it may be the first session.  But it’s important that he or she decide with their therapist.  This provides them with some control over their treatment, which helps to maintain an openness to therapy.

A conjoint session early in therapy should cover the following:

Understanding the biological, emotional, and behavioral effects of traumatic experience.

How long the therapist believes therapy will take for your partner.  Understand that this is often estimated and may change as therapy progresses.  It can range from a few months, to a year, to a few years.  Usually, the longer the history of trauma, the longer the therapy.

Attempt to identify what each of you need currently to build that support.  For example, maybe a client’s trigger is a raised voice.  For his partner, it’s needing him to let her know where he is when he leaves after being triggered.  She may agree to watch her tone when upset and he agrees to send her a text that he is safe.  This is a perfect example of each one supporting the other during his or her treatment.

  • Know his or her triggers.

As therapy progresses, your partner will be getting better insight into his or her triggers.  Some may know even before therapy.  Either way, have your partner share this information with you.  This will allow you both to be more conscious and at least attempt to minimize them.  Understand, you are both human.  You’re not perfect and will forget.  That’s okay.  You can’t control everything.  Again, it’s about minimizing triggers.

  • Ask your partner to show you the coping tools he or she is learning to manage triggers.

Coping tools are the first step in therapy.  Your partner and therapist are identifying, practicing, and learning what coping tools work best for him or her.  When you learn what works best for your partner and practice with him or her at home, it reinforces the practice and builds your partner’s ability to reach a relaxed state.  These coping tools most likely will benefit you as well.  In fact, have the kids join in at homework, dinner, or bedtime.  Deep breathing benefits us all!  Finally, when your partner gets triggered, as they begin to come down from the trigger, reminding them of these coping tools will help.  Again, this is as they are coming down.  It may not be possible initially.

  • Pick and choose your battles and when to go into battle

You know your partner best.  The facial expressions, body gestures, mood.  If there is something you need to talk to your partner about, try to make sure he or she is in a good place.  If you’re not sure, ask.  Be willing to wait if he or she may say its not a good time, BUT, also let them know its important to you and if he or she can check in with you later or vice a versa.  You have a right to be heard too, but also know that it can be very difficult for your partner.  If it’s something you feel is not crucial and can let go, then try.  Not all issues can be let go and that’s okay.  It’s important that present issues are attempted to be resolved.

You also know yourself best.  If you notice emotions are high for you, most likely you will also react with emotions. You’re human.  Take space for you too.  Use your own coping tools to deescalate.   A resolution will more likely happen when you’re both in a calm state.  Both will feel heard and satisfied.

  • Your partner’s action of walking away may be to protect you, not hurt you.

One of the coping tools clients learn is to walk away or take a time out if they’re noticing that anxiety, anger, or another trigger is beginning to take over. Many trauma clients fear their anger and will walk away to make sure they won’t hurt anyone.  This is especially true with someone they love.  You, as the partner, make take this as he or she is ignoring me, doesn’t care, or “I’m not important.”  This is where feeling unheard or sense of unfairness comes up.  Wait until your partner returns or deescalates, then ask.  He or she may be doing this because of the exact opposite.  They love you so much, they don’t want to hurt you.

  • Triggered Reaction or Appropriate Reaction?

If your partner has been suffering from PTSD for a long period of time, it can be difficult to distinguish if a reaction is a trigger or is it a normal reaction to what is happening in the moment.  A trigger is often excessive or out of proportion to the situation, impulsive, escalates very quickly, and lasts much longer than just a few minutes.  No matter what you say, it’s as if they don’t hear you or not in the room with you.  Many trauma survivors describe it as someone hijacking their mind.  They feel embarrassed, scared, or guilty for their reactions once they are able to deescalate from it.  It’s not until after that they are able to recognize the intensity that took place.

An appropriate reaction can be escalated, but makes sense to the situation.  It is a more gradual escalation, and usually, deescalates within a few minutes to an hour depending what is happening.  They can listen to what you’re saying and respond.  You sense that he or she is present in the room with you.  This leads to Tip #7.

  • Come back to conjoint session towards the end of treatment if needed

One of the many things I hear from clients as they are overcoming symptoms of PTSD, (and have more appropriate reactions to situations), is they don’t feel they’re being heard.  A sort of Role Reversal.  Mainly because when he or she becomes angry or frustrated, their partner contributes it to his or her PTSD rather than being angry because they’re angry.  Many feel that they’re being dismissed. It’s often by this time, without realizing it, you may have developed automatic reactions to your partner’s reactions.  For example, walking away yourself, not listening, and waiting for your partner’s reactions to pass.  Perhaps, difficulty trusting it. 

Built up anger or resentment for having to place your own needs aside for so long can make it difficult to continue to be patient and open.  A few conjoint sessions are not uncommon and can be helpful to readjust as your partner improves, and provide you space to express how difficult it has been for you.  He or she is now in a better place to handle it.

  • Remember, therapy takes time and is not linear

Typically, in therapy, there is progression with the middle being most difficult.  But regression for brief periods of time is to be expected and does not necessarily mean progression is not being made.  There are many different reasons.  Life is still happening beyond therapy, bringing present stressors.  An unexpected, unrealized trigger.  While working through trauma, a new memory is recalled to the surface.  Waves of progression and regression should be expected.   Leading to Tip #9.

  • Take care of you!

Make sure that you are taking care of you too.   Have your support system of family, friends, church community, or your own therapist in place.  Make sure you have a tool box of coping tools.  Exercise, Yoga, hobbies, getting out, meditation/prayer, things you enjoy.  Journaling or art is an effective tool to give you a place to express and release your emotions.  If you are a spouse of a veteran or first responder, is there a community of spouses you can connect with?

It’s easy to feel at a loss of what to do and of being heard yourself as a partner of someone with PTSD.   It’s a diagnosis that impacts the entire family.  Open, timely, and patient communication to support both of you are key and can ultimately strengthen your relationship even more.  Taking care of yourself and having support another important key during your partner’s treatment.

If you would like to know more about PTSD and possible treatment such as EMDR, you can click on my Services page.  You can also go to my Meditations page if you are looking for some more coping and relaxation tools.

Below are links to further information on PTSD symptoms and treatments:

www.ptsd.va.gov

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

www.emdria.org

Filed Under: EMDR, Post Traumatic Stress, PTSD, Trauma

Depression: Clinical vs. Situational & Options to Treat

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You may already know the signs and symptoms of depression:

  • Feeling sad daily or almost daily
  • Low energy and difficulty facing the day / tasks
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Difficulty experiencing joy, pleasure, or interests in things you used to0
  • Wanting to be alone
  • Loss of appetite or over eat to soothe or distract

But in order to overcome depression, we need to understand whether our symptoms are clinical (more physiological) or situational.

Medical News Today defines clinical versus situational depression.  Specifically, “Disturbances in levels of certain chemicals — known as neurotransmitters….” in the brain creates a physiological reaction that leads to depressive symptoms.

And, “…., other factors are likely to play a role (in clinical depression), for example:

  • genetic factors may influence an individual’s response to an experience or event
  • major life events can trigger negative emotions, such as anger, disappointment, or frustration
  • alcohol and drug dependence also have links to depression” (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/314698.php)

Whereas, situational depression “is a short-term form of depression that occurs as the result of a traumatic event or change in a person’s life” (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/314698.php).

Examples:

  • loss of a job or loved one
  • relocating
  • a break-up or divorce
  • experiencing a horrific event.  (recently or repeated events that occurred throughout one’s life)

Trauma and depression often coincide.

Traumatic reactions are  experienced immediately, while depressive symptoms are more likely to develop if it isn’t processed within six months.  Here a few possible reasons why:

  • You feel alone because nobody can quite fully understand your experience
  • You fear uncontrollable emotions or reactions will come up in social settings, so you begin to avoid others, isolate, and feel safer being alone.
  • The images, emotions, and physiological reactions to the event can be persistent and intense.  It is our natural tendency to avoid them or any other reminders of the event which becomes physically and mentally exhausting.
  • Your view of the world and reality changes.  Bringing a sense of overwhelm, loss of direction, and loss of confidence in yourself.  Doubt of what you use to know and how to manage things.   Making it difficult to know how to move forward.

 

The Other Driving Force:  Negative Beliefs

Negative thoughts are developed through our experiences.  Those thoughts are then carried with us through later life experiences, creating certain (and often automatic) reactions.  Reactions towards others, impacting our relationships, which then reinforce what we believe.  We feel stuck in a vicious cycle as you see below.  Hopelessness  takes over.

So how do I break the cycle?

Many types of therapies that have shown to be effective in managing and treating depression.  Very Well Mind describes a few of them (https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-psychotherapy-for-depression-1067407).

Clinical depression is best treated with medication and therapy.  Medication helps balance chemicals in the brain that then reduces depressive symptoms.  Therapy can help process life events and thoughts that contribute to the symptoms.

If depressive symptoms are a result of a life changing or traumatic event, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) may also be an option.

EMDR was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. as a treatment for trauma.  Trauma is defined in EMDR as big T’s for severe trauma and little “t’s” for less severe trauma.  Examples of severe trauma are childhood abuse, neglect, victim of assault, or witnessing tragic events.  Examples of less severe trauma are being bullied in school, a performance on stage gone wrong, or the teacher embarrassed you in front of the whole class.  Any can cause a negative belief about oneself which then lingers and is carried into the next situation.  Any can cause physiological reactions and cause similar reactions in the future.

Let’s take the later as an example.  If you believe, “I’m wrong,” how would you feel the moment you approach a group of peers or when your boss asks you a question? Anxious perhaps.  How would your body react? Freeze, shake, chest and chin sink in, maybe throat clinches.

EMDR helps to identify these incidents and process them until that incident no longer has such an impact on you today.  “I’m wrong” changes to a more adaptive belief, “I’m okay as I am.”  The body remains calm and the mind present.

How would you approach a group of peers or when the boss asks you a question with this new belief in mind?

If depression is driven by negative thinking, and the negative thinking is a result of an experience you had, then EMDR may be the answer to gain a better and more adaptive perspective on yourself and others.

Providing relief and a new way of looking at things.  A clarity and lightness.

If it’s difficult to determine where your depressive symptoms are stemming from, a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help with questions surrounding the history of symptoms, as well as family and medical history.

To learn more about EMDR, you can go to my Services tab or you can follow the links below:

www.emdria.org

www.emdr.com

You can also call for free consult to see if EMDR may be helpful for you.

Filed Under: anxiety, depression, EMDR, Post Traumatic Stress, PTSD, Trauma

2019 – Taking One Day at a Time towards Success!

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It’s that time of year again. Everyone asking, “What’s your New Year’s Resolution?”

I was so proud of myself this year. I purchased a book that would help me set my goals for the year. I started to fill it out in early December. Before returning to work in the new year, my goals were clear. I’ve never been this ahead of the ball game before. I was so excited! Feeling good.

Then January 2nd arrived. I woke up with such a heaviness, lethargic and didn’t want to face the day. It only compounded when I couldn’t figure out why and frustrated that I was feeling this way. Just a couple of days ago I was so pumped up. It’s as if somebody said, “Nope!” They popped the bubble, and reality reared its head. When it was time to act, I just froze and got stuck.

Fortunately, one of my goals listed in my pretty, all inspiring book, was to journal at least 10 minutes each day. So, with dread, I pulled it out and began to express my thoughts. Of course, within a few minutes, it dawned on me.

Expectations!

I realized that I already had in my mind that I was going to fail. I always do. I start something and don’t follow through. Why would this year be different? January 2nd was the day to get started and when it came, my fear and overwhelm took over. The thought of failure stopped me in my tracks. So, I had a choice here.

There is always a choice!

Choose to stay in fear and confirm my belief or choose to do just something.

Just one thing!

Well at this point, I was already able to check off one accomplishment on my list of goals. I journaled today. That simple little step of acknowledging one tiny achievement was enough. It reminded me to be patient with myself and to just take one step at a time, rather than focusing on a deadline.

Resolutions are great reminders and a time to reevaluate what we want or need. The opportunity to try again. Expectations can be a healthy way of setting clear goals and boundaries. Goals give us a path of direction. But be careful of attaching success with whether you meet them. Success is trying, failing, and getting up again. Not meeting a deadline but that at some point, you reach it. Its not how you get there. It’s about the journey and what you learn about yourself.

Small steps, small achievements, little by little build a path to accomplishment and success.

So, I leave you with my mantra for this month.

One Day at a Time. One Step at a Time.

Emergencies, set-backs, failures, and Life will happen. Guarantee it! But all are opportunities to grow stronger, wiser, smarter.

Instead of giving into fear, I encourage you to THANK FEAR for trying to protect you from the pain of failure. Then let fear tag along to show that you can conquer through and overcome.

You Got This!

Filed Under: anxiety

Journal Tips for Stress Relief – But What Do I Write?

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I have nothing to say…

That dreaded blank page. Getting out the journal is anxiety driven. Throat and chest tighten. “What am I supposed to write? I don’t have anything to say.”
 

Well, can you just start there:

“I don’t know what to say. I feel weird doing this. Why did my therapist suggest I do this? I don’t like it.”

And just keep going. This is the great thing about journal writing. There is no right or wrong. It doesn’t have to be a specific something. Begin with the thoughts you notice in this moment. Your mind already knows what to do. You’re just putting it hand to paper, literally!

 

Are you still stuck?  Here are a few ideas:

  1. Right now, I feel…
  2. I can feel it in my (where do you feel it in your body? Chest, throat, jaw, stomach?)
  3. Today I’m grateful for…
  4. Today my day was (good, bad, long, stressful?)
  5. I can’t believe…
  6. Hope for…
  7. Wish that…
  8. Google “journal entry ideas”
  9. Journal your prayers or a dialogue with your deity
  10. Write a letter to someone saying whatever you want to say, (and I mean WHATEVER!) knowing this letter will never be sent to him or her. Get it off your chest. Maybe a spouse, partner, parent, friend, boss?
  11. Have a dialogue between your adult self and child self. We all have that inner child. This is a place to allow that inner child to express him or herself.  A place to be heard and understood.

Journal ideas are endless.

Don’t forget, you can always draw and color too!

A few more pointers:

  • Find a place that is quiet and calming for you
  • A place and time when you won’t be interrupted
  • Light a candle and put on some soft music
  • Grab a pillow and blanket
  • Close your eyes
  • Take a few deep breaths, check in with your body or mood and begin!
  • Laugh. Cry.  But also notice how your feel when you’re done.

Welcome You!

Filed Under: anxiety, Beliefs, Dreams, Self Awareness

Journaling – Your Free Therapy Tool

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If you’ve ever been in therapy or a creative writing class, I’m guessing it was suggested to that you grab a journal and write away. As a therapist, it’s a tool I recommend to my clients all the time. Whether it’s during sessions, in between sessions, as well as continuing after therapy ends.

Other than the cost of a journal itself, it is a free therapist in your bag that can be taken and used anywhere.

I find that when clients journal, they bring new insights they gained into their next session, only allowing therapy to move more quickly and smoothly.

Use journaling to process a struggle you’re going through or share a happy moment that you want to make a memory of.  Keep it and look at it several months later.  Or, tear off the pages as soon as you’re done.  Rip it in pieces and throw it in the trash. A cathartic step for many.

The key is to not think too much. Instead, let your thoughts and your hand flow. Your mind knows when to stop. It’s as if your thoughts just stop and your hand follows suit. It may bring tears, but that is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing.

Feeling anxious about writing emotions on paper?

Writing emotions has the same effect as expressing it verbally. It feels scary.  Anxiety driven if you’ve learned to push them way down deep, not to be spoken of.

If this is you, pull out your favorite coloring tools: crayons, color pencils, or markers. Gel pens are my favorite. Then choose a color that represents an emotion to you. For example, red for anger, blue for sad, yellow for happy, etc. (Can you tell what I would choose?). Then just color what you’re feeling. Again, don’t think too much. Let your hands choose the color it’s drawn too. Scribble or draw what it wants.

SO, WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF JOURNALING?

  1.  Gain insight.  Emotional stress can get us wrapped up in thoughts and choices.  We can’t see the forest from the trees.  We feel lost and don’t know what to do.  Journaling helps us to take a step back, release the thoughts and emotions, and gain some clarity as to why we’re feeling the way we are.  When we can connect the dots, things make more sense, and we automatically feel more at ease with this new understanding.
  2. Recognize patterns.  Stepping back helps us see how we get triggered and react to those triggers.  It’s only when we gain awareness of our reaction patterns that we can then change them.  You’ve heard the saying, “You can’t change what you don’t know.”
  3. Problem solve.  With life, comes problems and difficult decisions.  A journal is a good place to write down all our options, the consequences of each option, good and bad, and how we feel about them. Then we can take a step back and choose the right decision for us in this situation, this conflict with our partner, etc.
  4. Release and let go.  The main reason journaling is suggested by therapists.  Journaling is a place to say anything and everything you want to say without having to hold back.  No worries about hurting someone, being judged, criticized, or embarrassed by what you’re feeling and believing in the moment.  If verbalizing your emotions is too hard and scary, then writing it in a book nobody will ever see (unless you want them too) is a safe place.  And it’s better to get it out on paper than to hold it in and have it come out later in a way that only causes you more anxiety, shame, or embarrassment.  It’s normal to become tearful when you’re journaling, and this is good!  It may not feel good, but it’s just another way to release.  You’ll get some weight off your shoulders and be able to breathe again.
  5. Create Ideas.  Journaling doesn’t have to be only for negative or difficult situations.  Maybe you have a vision and need to put it down on paper.  A great idea came to mind and you need to write it down before you forget.  Sometimes you can get to the idea by just starting with smaller ideas.
  6. Express gratitude.  Taking time to write down a list of what we are grateful for in our life.  Big or small.  When we can see on paper all the things that we have in our lives, it helps to wash out the negatives and allows room for happiness and appreciation.  Things suddenly don’t feel so bad.  (I can suddenly here Julie Andrews singing in my head, “a few of my favorite things,”).

According to Amy Morin, “Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., a leading gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the link between gratitude and well-being. His research confirms that gratitude effectively increases happiness and reduces depression.”

(https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/)

Now I often get, “How do I journal? I don’t know what to write about.”  Stay tuned for my blog on “How to Journal.”  For now, if you like to give it a go, have fun with it.  You can find journals on Amazon, at Dollar Tree or any book, art, or craft store.  Pick one that goes with your personality: color, flowers, geometric, leather bound.  Choose a writing or coloring tool that you like best.  Recall coloring books as a kid?

Some even like to put their favorite quote, lyric, or bible verse on the inside of the front cover.  Maybe a collage of your favorite things.  This is a good reminder when you’re having a bad day and it lifts you up.   This is just for you!

One more tip:

Handwriting is best.  Many like to use their tablets or laptops, but the way our brain processes information is through thoughts, emotions, THEN sends it to the body.  Handwriting is a physical movement and part of the brain’s communication.  Notice when your journaling, if your handwriting or pressure with the writing tool changes.  We often will press hard with escalated emotions or more, sloppy as our hands try to keep up with our thoughts.  All this is part of the communication process within the mind and necessary to come to a resolution or healing.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

STRESS IN THE BODY – OUR EMOTIONAL LUGGAGE

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Our body likes to be the luggage for our emotions. Holding and containing it all inside so that nobody can see. You stuff it and stuff it until it gets so full that it takes all your physical effort to push the top down to zip it shut.   You’re hoping it’s not going to rip at the seams.  Stress begins to take its toll.

Our bodies, however, don’t have wheels. You’re not able to just lightly pull it along. You must carry it everywhere you go. Imagine carrying a luggage without wheels? The length of time you’re gripping the handle. The strain it takes on your arm, your back. You can only take so much. After a while, you’re arm begins to shake, tremble, and feel unbearably tight until your muscles just can’t give anymore. Your arms go limp, numb, and drop. You feel so exhausted. You know you can’t get rid of the luggage, but you can’t carry it anymore either. So, you just sit there with it and have no idea what to do. You feel stuck.

Our mind, heart, and body responds to stress in the same way.

The mind starts to ruminate, body begins to shake, tremble, you begin to cry uncontrollably, and you breathe so fast, you feel you can’t catch it. You’re so scared of losing control that you try to grip even harder. Anxiety takes control instead.

Soon, you become so tired of the anxiety, you just block everything out of your mind. You become numb, have no energy, motivation, and feel hopeless that you will be able to gain control again. And you don’t want anybody to see you “losing it,” so you stop going out and enjoy what you used too. You withdraw, isolate, and soon depression begins to creep in.

But imagine if you can begin to unzip the luggage, open it, and begin to take one thing out at a time. As it empties, it becomes lighter and lighter. How would you feel carrying that luggage now? Or better yet, put it away in the closet? You know it’s there but it’s safe and you don’t need it anymore. You can go about your day freely without feeling its weight slowing you down. It isn’t a constant reminder. Imagine what those around you would see now?

When you can begin talking about and allowing your emotions to flow, in a safe way and with the right support, your heart, mind, and body become clearer and lighter. You have more energy, more presence with those around you, only filling yourself with enjoyment and laughter. No more suppression, just enjoying and coping when you need to so that you don’t have to lug anything around anymore.

Imagine that?

So, what are the ingredients for a safe and supportive environment?

Someone who can:

  • Actively listen
    • without trying to “fix” you
    • without having to solve the problem for you
    • without trying to compete with who had it worse
  • be Non-judgmental
    • No shaming comments
    • No “you should have”
    • No why’s
  • Contain the space for you. Some people feel uncomfortable with feelings that they may unintentionally and quickly dismiss your feelings by saying, “Don’t worry. It will all work out. Don’t stress.” It’s not always that easy.
  • Validate your emotions of what is your truth
  • Empathize (not sympathize) with you (“I’m sorry you had to go through that” “Oh I remember when something similar happen to me. I get how you feel.”)
  • Willing to ask and offer what you need

Can you think of someone in your life that has these qualities? Finding the right support is key. Remember, someone must earn the right to hear your story. These qualities build safety and trust. The two main ingredients needed to share and be vulnerable with another. If you feel you need support outside of friends or family to help you sort through the stress or heaviness you’re feeling, please contact me for a free 20-minute consult.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Why does this keep happening? – Is the not the question to ask to stop depression or anxiety.

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We’ve all been there. You begin to workout at the gym consistently, get on a good diet, eating better, feeling better.  Then you fall off the bandwagon and back to your old patterns. You start off so well only to find yourself in our old ways of doing things and feel discouraged.  Depression and anxiety begin to creep in.  This can be true with work projects, school projects, house chores, hobbies, even communication in relationships.

Why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I just be disciplined like other people?

This is usually followed by a series of name calling, thoughts that beat yourself up. You feel bad, heavy, numb, or maybe constantly feeling on edge. Next thing you know, you want to stop, give up, and veg on the couch binge watching Netflix. All the while your head is playing the re-run of, “See, I’m not good enough,” or something close to it.

We use TV, phone, scrolling in social media, eating, etc. to escape from our thoughts because thinking keeps us in a cycle of rumination. And the WHY is what keeps us stuck in our thoughts. It’s time to stop thinking and start feeling.

Your emotions and physical sensations are where the answers lie.

This is where the healing happens. When you can listen to your emotions, accept them, then you are accepting yourself. Acceptance instead of rejection provides love and self-compassion. Love heals, fulfills, and motivates. Love and acceptance are the reason many of us get up every day. So why not provide it to yourself instead of beating yourself up for what you should be doing or what you’re not doing or what you are doing?

I get it.  You immediately think, “But I’m not good enough. I deserve to be punished. I don’t like myself. How can I love myself?”

Do you see how thoughts keep you stuck? Criticizing thoughts lead to shame which leads to avoidance (giving up, pushing away, ignoring, procrastinating, hiding). Love leads to acceptance which leads to motivation, only strengthening love.

A small step to asking “why” is by asking, “What is this?” Name the emotion you’re feeling. Identify where you feel it in your body; heaviness, watery eyes, rapid heartbeat, shakiness, tight stomach, shoulders, throat? Don’t ignore it or force it to be different when you notice it. Just notice it’s there and let it be.

3 Steps to begin listening to you and get out of the well of depression and anxiety.

For the next 7 days, at the end of your day, think of something pleasant that happened. It could be as small as someone smiled at you and held the door open for you, to as big as getting a promotion and a raise. Once you have that image and situation in mind, jot down these 3 things:

  1. What emotion(s) are you feeling as you think of it?
  2. Where do you feel it in your body?
  3. What is the thought/belief you’re having as you think about it?

For the following 7 days, (2nd week) do the same for Unpleasant events. Yes, unpleasant. This is when you can include those moments that you find yourself in an old pattern, or ignoring, avoiding, criticizing. If you can accept the bad just like you do the good, the less impact and power it has on you. If you keep ignoring or avoiding them, the more they build over time and weigh on you. Making it easier to give up and lose motivation. Would you rather listen to your reactions now and let it go, or ignore and hold on to them as they only get stronger?

After these two weeks, notice how you feel when you can pause and get to know your emotions, sensations rather than just your thoughts. This is empathy and self-compassion. This is you. Say hello, listen, and pay attention.

Yes, you do deserve this no matter your past or current circumstances.

Don’t let old thoughts tell you otherwise.

You can choose to listen to them or learn a different way of knowing, understanding, and choosing.

If you find that you’ve mastered the skill of not feeling, and it’s just too painful, overwhelming, or fear losing control if you turn to your emotions and sensations, speaking with a counselor can help break this barrier in a safe and gradual way. To learn more, please contact me for a free 20-minute consultation.

Filed Under: anxiety, depression, Mindfulness, Self Awareness, Uncategorized

Come to the Table: Finding Your Authentic Self

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I was driving the other day and heard this song on the radio by Sidewalk Prophets, “Come to the Table.” When I hear that phrase, I immediately think, “Come as you are.” Then it was immediately followed by, “How often do we truly, authentically, come to the table and come as we are?” We often feel like we must put on that smile, hold back that thought, say we’re okay when really, we’re suffering inside.  Feeling depression under the mask.  Not that we have too, or should bare our souls to everyone, but it made me think,

“Do I hold back so much that its actually hurting me?” Does it keep me from reaching my goals or missing opportunities? Causing me anxiety, depression?

Later that week, I was listening to a training by Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, author of Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, among others. In her topic of empathy and self-compassion, she also used the term, “Come to the table” when talking about vulnerability, taking risks, and being authentic. Got my thoughts running again.

Then lo and behold, I went to church that Sunday and of course the pastor was again talking about authenticity. Okay, God I get the message!

When you think of “coming to the table,” what comes to mind? For me it’s home, family, food. I’m also thinking: taking a break, a deep sigh, relaxing. The moment I get home, I don’t waste anytime taking off those heels, jewelry, make-up, and changing into comfy sweats and socks. No need to make an appearance at home, right?

At home, at least for many of us, it’s the place where we can take off the mask and be more of our authentic selves. Some of us were very lucky to have been accepted unconditionally by those around us. As a result, we can easily accept ourselves. Quirks, mistakes, mishaps and all.

Some of us, however, were not provided the same acceptance. Leaving us in a place of self-doubt, fear of rejection, and developed a mask, wall, guard to keep hurt away. Our authentic self isn’t acceptable. Or even worse, “not enough.”   We create an ideal self for others to see and believe. And we get pretty good at it. Overtime, we don’t even know or remember what our authentic self is anymore. Our focus is constantly on what others think instead of how we feel, what we need, or what we want. “If I’m not enough, then I don’t deserve.” It becomes exhausting.

Let me just say, if you are breathing, then you DO deserve. You ARE enough and it’s time to stop pleasing others and just be who you truly are. You are there inside and it’s time to pause and listen.

To find our authentic self, we need the following ingredients:

  • Listening with an openness of mind, body, and heart
  • Listening without judgment
  • Space of empathy and self-compassion
  • Space of acceptance: the good, the bad, and the ugly

Look at this recipe above. Isn’t this what you crave from others? What’s important to remember is that this does not have to start with a support person. It helps, yes, but it can start with you.

Pause, listen, and be with you.

Try this simple exercise:

Place your hand on your heart and ask what is here? What is this? Do you notice a tightness, tension, an emotion? Once you identify it, just let it be there and sit with it, as if consoling a child only its your physical sensation or emotion you are consoling. Accept it just as it is, no matter what it is. If you notice resistance, then just be with that. There is no need to force it to be different or push it away. To do so would be to reject yourself. Take one minute of silence to just listen by feeling, acknowledge, and allow it space. This is the gateway to your authentic self.

If you begin providing love, compassion, and acceptance for yourself, the easier it will be to expect it from others; maybe learning to let go of those who are not willing, and therefore, not healthy for you.

It’s time to truly come to the table and be as you are.

You are enough.

If you would like to learn more tools and/or need to work through past experiences that you feel keeps you stuck from implementing these tools, please contact me for a free 20-minute consultation to discuss other therapeutic techniques that may be helpful.

Sources:

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. New York: Penguin Random House, 2015. Previously published as a Gotham Books Hardcover, 2012.

Brach, Tara. Article adapted from True Refuge (2013). Retrieved from https://www.tarabrach.com.

Dave Frey, Ben Glover, Ben McDonald. (2014). Come to the Table [Recorded by Sidewalk Prophets]. On Something Different. Nashville, TN: Fervent Records; Waco, TX: Word Records.

 

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Signs and Symptoms of PTSD?

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With so much going on in the world, the word “trauma” and “PTSD” appears to be terms heard so often these days.

So, what exactly is trauma, PTSD, and it’s symptoms?

Trauma is experiencing a very scary, horrific, and life-threatening event.  It may be e experiencing it directly, witnessing it, or hearing of a loved who directly experienced it. PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and defines the common reactions that can continue after a traumatic experience. Usually unwanted and repeated thoughts, images, emotions, and physical reactions that are difficult to control.

Common reactions to trauma include:

Repeated thoughts and images of the event

Repeated nightmares and disrupted sleep

Avoiding people or places that remind you of the event, or avoid talking about it

Angry outbursts

Not feeling safe

Difficulty feeling love, happiness, joy

Intense physical sensations including: rapid heartbeats, shakiness/trembling, weakness in the legs, easily startled or jumpy, hot or cold sweats

And its difficulty to stop or control these symptoms when triggered. Some may experience a sensation of being out of their body viewing themselves from a distance or moments of feeling like they are back reliving the experience again. Feeling as if their mind has been hijacked and taken over.

These are NORMAL bodily reactions that are being exaggerated.

In fact, if you’re reading this it means your body did exactly what it was supposed to do in such a situation. Help you Fight, Flight, or Freeze.

Fight back if you needed too and could. Runaway if there was an opportunity. Freeze because there wasn’t an opportunity to fight or run. Freeze allows you to get through until the situation is over without becoming completely overwhelmed.

So why are you still reacting if it’s over? Because when your mind is reminded, in any way, of the event, it believes you are still in danger and ready to protect you again. Ready to trigger your Internal Alarm System. It could be a person who looks like the person that harmed you, being near the place where it occurred, something on the news or social media, a word, a smell, a sound. Your mind believes you are in danger when in reality, you are now safe.

When you’re in a scary and dangerous situation, your mind doesn’t have time to process. Only time to help you survive. It’s all about reacting, not thinking. And without time to process, the memory becomes stuck like a broken record playing over and over.

But it is possible, through therapy, to help your mind become “unstuck” and return these exaggerated responses to a calm and appropriate response state.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) uses specific steps and protocols that have been proven to help those who have experienced trauma. One of the features of EMDR that many clients like is that not only do they see results quickly, but also do not have to verbalize every detail of the event session after session. It does this by allowing your mind to do the work. Once processed, the memory is put away just like any other experience in your life, but without the intense, uncontrollable reactions. It’s no longer the forefront of your mind and your everyday life.

Traumatic events, no matter recent or from the past, does not have to dictate you or your life.

If you would like to learn more about trauma, EMDR, and how therapy can help, please contact me for a free 20-minute consultation.

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When Anxiety turns to Anger

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All morning, I knew I needed to get a project done. It’s been sitting in the back of my mind, just eating at me, causing some stress and anxiety.  I’m wanting so much to relax but can’t quite get there because there is this unfinished task that keeps wanting to call me.

It’s an, “I have too…”

Have too as in I don’t want too, not in the mood, and begin to feel the pressure.

Then, of course, what follows is the negative feelings of guilt and beliefs of “I’m failing. See, I’m not good enough.” Anxiety begins to kick in deep down in the chest and gut.

But instead of facing it, it gets put on the back burner. You know it’s there, but you ignore it. Instead, somehow, you trick yourself into thinking other things take priority. Everything else that isn’t done or is going wrong is suddenly in your complete awareness.

On this particular morning for me, there was unexpected laundry that needed to be done. As I walk through the house, I found myself grunting because of course, the last person who took the last roll on the paper towel roll couldn’t replace it with a new one. Then walked into the bathroom and AGAIN, nobody restocks the toilet paper rolls after using the last one. Really?

Body heat is now bubbling. The body is tight. Teeth are cringing. Thinking, “No wonder I can’t get my project done!”

You start snapping, blaming others for the stress you’re feeling, and announcing how you don’t feel appreciated. But not exactly using those word. Instead, announcing what isn’t being done, and yelling at a loved one to get it done, proclaiming they never help. You may start slamming things down, slamming doors, or even worse, don’t say anything at all. Instead, you huff and puff, do it yourself, and then shutdown. Don’t they know how you’re feeling and the stress you’re under?

And that’s the moment. Stress and anxiety has reached its boiling point. Anxiety has turned into Anger.

Sometimes it’s an unfinished project. Maybe an argument with your spouse, child, or coworker from weeks ago that never got resolved.  You have an underlying fear of being hurt, rejected, or judged and soon you don’t want to take the chance of expressing yourself. It just bottles up. You hold it within your mind and body until it reaches its capacity.

It’s usually not until the snapping or crying is over though that you suddenly realize, “Did I ask for help? Did I let them know what I needed? Am I expecting them to read my mind and just know what I’m going through?” You may (or may not) begin to realize that this isn’t about them necessarily. This is about being scared to express your needs for fear of being vulnerable and seen as weak. Fear that you’re not good enough because you’re not meeting expectations.

If you have ever been invalidated, hurt, violated, or manipulated by another, you’ve learned it’s not safe to be vulnerable. Openness and expression leads to negative results and consequences. Suppression is the only answer to stay in control and stay safe. You’re strong if you can manage your feelings by keeping them to yourself and get your job done without complaining.

Until you just can’t anymore.

Your emotions, thoughts, and body begin to feel out of control.

This the paradox to anxiety. The only way to be in true control is to know, understand, allow, and express your emotions. And the only way to do this is to gather the strength and courage to learn how to do so. How to be open and be vulnerable. Only then can you be in true control and feel confident in your strength.

This is where anxiety meets peace.

So how do you take steps towards vulnerability? By first taking steps to nurture you. Not others, You.

Step 1: Nurturance

Begin to change your thinking and learn to be okay with taking care of you first. Believe that you deserve this. This is not selfishness. This is necessary for you and for those around you. Repeat a mantra to yourself, “I deserve this, and my family deserves this.”

Step 2: Give yourself permission to pause

Taking a pause is not about weakness or laziness. It’s about opportunity to pay attention to what is going on internally.

You may have mastered suppression so well that when you want to express yourself, your body doesn’t allow you. The throat closes automatically. The breath stops. The mouth shuts. The body cringes and tightens. Maybe you’ve forgotten how to cry.

The fact that you may recognize this is already steps ahead. If you know your reaction is to automatically shut down, begin to do some of the following:

  • taking 3 to 5 deep breaths several times throughout the day, every day.
  • take a Yoga class
  • Mindfulness meditation
  • meditate on prayer
  • journal

All of these will help you slow down and get to know your body and emotions better. Many assume the answer is in your mind. It isn’t. It’s in your body. Once you begin to listen to your physical sensations, you will begin to catch the shut-down mode sooner and be able to use some of the nurturing steps below.

Step 3: Learn to let go

  • Pull out a paper and ask what expectations do you have for yourself?
  • Are they realistic?
  • Are these others’ expectations of you or are you assuming and expecting them of yourself? Really stop and think about this. Are you surprised by your answer?
  • Who’s the voice in your head that puts those expectations there? A parent, teacher, boss?

Then ask if you can give at least one or more tasks to someone else. Ask for help, it’s okay.

You can’t be all, to everyone, all the time.

Use your support system and resources. If your feeling anxiety about giving control to someone else, pay attention to that. Is it okay that it’s not perfect? Listen to what your body is telling you about how you feel about this and allow that feeling to be there for a moment. This is vulnerability.

Do you have to get it done right at this moment? Can you give yourself permission to do it a later? Today, you may feel getting it done now is better than waiting and tomorrow, you may feel the opposite. Either one is okay, not wrong. It doesn’t make you less than. Again, pay attention to what your body is telling you. This is vulnerability.

Finally, what are the expectations you are putting on others? Are those realistic? Do they know these expectations?

Step 4: Do something that brings you joy and pleasure

When was the last time you did something you enjoy? Take out a piece of paper and list what you did as a kid that you loved. Puzzles, building, coloring, drawing, riding your bike, skating. These don’t have to stop just because you’re an adult. List a hobby that you’ve been wanting to do but put it aside. Is there a class you can take (exercise, photography, writing, art i.e.)? This list can go on and on.

Step 5: Express yourself (in baby steps)

Doesn’t matter if its expressing it to yourself through journaling, meditating, art, even crying (yes, crying is a stress reliever); or if you express it to a love one or friend. The point is to release it one way or another.

The key to reducing anxiety and preventing escalated anger is to Nurture You with love, patience, and self-compassion. This will only lead to healing and trust. Healing and trust allows a space for empathy for you and others, which then leads to healthy, loving, and satisfying relationships.

Intimate relationships with yourself and/or others leads to connectedness and peace that you are enough. Believing you’re enough reduces anxiety to a much more reasonable level.

 

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