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When Anxiety turns to Anger

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All morning, I knew I needed to get a project done. It’s been sitting in the back of my mind, just eating at me, causing some stress and anxiety.  I’m wanting so much to relax but can’t quite get there because there is this unfinished task that keeps wanting to call me. It’s an, “I have too…” Have too as in I don’t want too, not in the mood, and begin to feel the pressure. Then, of course, what follows is the negative feelings of guilt and beliefs of “I’m failing. See, I’m not good enough.” Anxiety begins to kick in deep down in the chest and gut.

But instead of facing it, it gets put on the back burner. You know it’s there, but you ignore it. Instead, somehow, you trick yourself into thinking other things take priority. Everything else that isn’t done or is going wrong is suddenly in your complete awareness.

On this particular morning for me, there was unexpected laundry that needed to be done. As I walk through the house, I found myself grunting because of course, the last person who took the last roll on the paper towel roll couldn’t replace it with a new one. Then walked into the bathroom and AGAIN, nobody restocks the toilet paper rolls after using the last one. Really?

Body heat is now bubbling. The body is tight. Teeth are cringing. Thinking, “No wonder I can’t get my project done!”

You start snapping, blaming others for the stress you’re feeling, and announcing how you don’t feel appreciated. But not exactly using those word. Instead, announcing what isn’t being done, and yelling at a loved one to get it done, proclaiming they never help. You may start slamming things down, slamming doors, or even worse, don’t say anything at all. Instead, you huff and puff, do it yourself, and then shutdown. Don’t they know how you’re feeling and the stress you’re under?

And that’s the moment. Stress and anxiety has reached its boiling point. Anxiety has turned into Anger.

Sometimes it’s an unfinished project. Maybe an argument with your spouse, child, or coworker from weeks ago that never got resolved.  Or an on-going underlying fear of being hurt, rejected, or judged and so don’t want to take the chance of expressing yourself. It just bottles up. You hold it within your mind and body until it reaches its capacity.

It’s usually not until the snapping or crying is over though that you suddenly realize, “Did I ask for help? Did I let them know what I needed? Am I expecting them to read my mind and just know what I’m going through?” You may (or may not) begin to realize that this isn’t about them necessarily. This is about being scared to express your needs for fear of being vulnerable and seen as weak. Fear that you’re not good enough because you’re not meeting expectations.

If you have ever been invalidated, hurt, violated, or manipulated by another, you’ve learned it’s not safe to be vulnerable. Openness and expression leads to negative results and consequences. Suppression is the only answer to stay in control and stay safe. Your strong if you can manage your feelings by keeping them to yourself and get your job done without complaining.

Until you just can’t anymore.

Your emotions, thoughts, and body begin to feel out of control.

This the paradox to anxiety. The only way to be in true control is to know, understand, allow, and express your emotions. And the only way to do this is to gather the strength and courage to learn how to do so. How to be open and be vulnerable. Only then can you be in true control and feel confident in your strength.

This is where anxiety meets peace.

So how do you take steps towards vulnerability? By first taking steps to nurture you. Not others, You.

Step 1: Nurturance

Begin to change your thinking and learn to be okay with taking care of you first. Believe that you deserve this. This is not selfishness. This is necessary for you and for those around you. Repeat a mantra to yourself, “I deserve this, and my family deserves this.”

Step 2: Give yourself permission to pause

Taking a pause is not about weakness or laziness. It’s about opportunity to pay attention to what is going on internally.

You may have mastered suppression so well that when you want to express yourself, your body doesn’t allow you. The throat closes automatically. The breath stops. The mouth shuts. The body cringes and tightens. Maybe you’ve forgotten how to cry.

The fact that you may recognize this is already steps ahead. If you know your reaction is to automatically shut down, begin to do some of the following:

  • taking 3 to 5 deep breaths several times throughout the day, every day.
  • take a Yoga class
  • Mindfulness meditation
  • meditate on prayer
  • journal

All of these will help you slow down and get to know your body and emotions better. Many assume the answer is in your mind. It isn’t. It’s in your body. Once you begin to listen to your physical sensations, you will begin to catch the shut-down mode sooner and be able to use some of the nurturing steps below.

Step 3: Learn to let go

  • Pull out a paper and ask what expectations do you have for yourself?
  • Are they realistic?
  • Are these others’ expectations of you or are you assuming and expecting them of yourself? Really stop and think about this. You may be surprised by your answer.
  • Who’s the voice in your head that puts those expectations there? A parent, teacher, boss?

Then ask if you can give at least one or more tasks to someone else. Ask for help, it’s okay.

You can’t be all, to everyone, all the time.

Use your support system and resources. If your feeling anxiety about giving control to someone else, pay attention to that. Is it okay that it’s not perfect? Listen to what your body is telling you about how you feel about this and allow that feeling to be there for a moment. This is vulnerability.
Better yet, does it have to be done right at this moment? Can you give yourself permission to do it a later? Maybe today, getting it done now does feel better than waiting. Tomorrow, it may be the opposite. Either one is okay, not wrong. It doesn’t make you less than. Again, pay attention to what your body is telling you. This is vulnerability.

Finally, what are the expectations you are putting on others? Are those realistic? Do they know these expectations?

Step 3: Do something that brings you joy and pleasure

When was the last time you did something you enjoy? Take out a piece of paper and list what you did as a kid that you loved. Puzzles, building, coloring, drawing, riding your bike, skating. These don’t have to stop just because you’re an adult. List a hobby that you’ve been wanting to do but put it aside. Is there a class you can take (exercise, photography, writing, art i.e.)? This list can go on and on.

Step 4: Express yourself (in baby steps)

Doesn’t matter if its expressing it to yourself through journaling, meditating, art, even crying (yes, crying is a stress reliever); or if you express it to a love one or friend. The point is to release it one way or another.

The key to reducing anxiety and preventing escalated anger is to Nurture You with love, patience, and self-compassion. This will only lead to healing and trust. Healing and trust allows a space for empathy for you and others, which then leads to healthy, loving, and satisfying relationships.

Intimate relationships with yourself and/or others leads to connectedness and peace that you are enough. Believing you’re enough reduces anxiety to a much more reasonable level.

 

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How to Cope with Tragedy & Trauma

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Are you like me and feeling overwhelmed with all the recent devastation occurring around the world? Are you noticing your heart beating faster, body tensed up and shaky, feeling angry, scared, or worried? Having a hard time sleeping because your mind just won’t turn off?

With the recent natural disasters, protests, and most recently, the tragic events in Las Vegas, it’s hard to balance between making sure you’re informed with what’s going on in the world and trying to manage the anxiety and stress that comes along with it.

This blog was going to be about how to manage this slight anxiety that you may be feeling, but after hearing about the tragedy in Las Vegas, I also feel the need to help my fellow Americans and fellow San Diegans who were there during this horrific, horrific event. Truly my heart goes out to you and your loved ones.

I want to now help normalize and help you understand possible common reactions you may experience after such a traumatic event, steps you can take to heal, as well as to help the rest of us who are feeling increased anxiety over the past two months of devastation around the world.

What You Can Expect After A Traumatic Event

As you probably already know, we all have the Fight, Flight, Freeze system within us. It’s there to protect us, but during the aftermath, that system can continue to run and hold the memory in place, replaying it in our mind over and over, hence the name, Post Traumatic Stress. Here are just a few common reactions and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Acute Traumatic Stress Disorder:

  • Recurring/repeated images of the event
  • Nightmares with content similar to the event
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Feeling easily startled, jumpy, irritable, have exaggerated physical or emotional reactions
  • Shakiness, trembling, heart racing, tearful, having a hard time focusing/concentrating
  • Having difficulty experiencing positive emotions such as joy, happiness, love
  • Avoiding people, places, or activities you used to enjoy

Attempts to avoid thinking or talking about the event is also common, but can be more detrimental in the long run, causing the above reactions to last longer. The sooner you can begin to talk about and process the event, the less frequent the memory will replay, and the sooner these symptoms will reduce or even eliminate. Sharing your experience, as difficult as it may be, with those you feel most safe and supported by can be a good place to start such as family, friends, or within your church community. Working with a trauma therapist skilled and trained in trauma therapies, such as EMDR, Exposure therapy just to name a few, is another option if you’re feeling you need more support or if you do not feel you have the appropriate support within your circle. Please see my page on EMDR Therapy for more information on how it is often a quicker way of processing, without having to verbalize every detail, and yet, see quicker results.

It is also common for depressive symptoms such as sadness, withdrawal/isolation, lack of interest, motivation, or energy to arise if a traumatic experience is not processed within the first six months of the event. The closer to the date of the event you are able to process, the sooner these symptoms will decrease, and the sooner you can return to your normal, daily routine.

8 Simple Ways to Manage Stress and Anxiety

As I mentioned earlier, I have noticed my anxiety increase with each news event. I know I can’t be the only one. All of these events have occurred in so many areas that it seems all of us have at least one person we know who is being affected. I have already heard of friends, or loved ones of friends, who were in Las Vegas at the time of the shooting. So here a few simple things that you can do if you’re having similar reactions:

  • Limit news watching. Allow yourself 30 minutes to an hour a day or every couple of days
  • Limit or stop news alerts you may receive on your phone or through email. You can do this by going to your General settings and turn off “Notifications.”
  • Limit time on social media that you know will alert you to more of what you heard on the news. So many posts are often others’ assumptions or have come down from the grapevine, and are not credible information or from a credible news source, making it difficult to decipher what really happened.
  • Talk with family or friends. Sometimes hearing that someone else is feeling the same way can be so validating, relieving, and you may feel less alone.
  • Donate your time, money, or resources. Maybe get a group of family or friends to make a group donation. I had a friend coordinate such a thing for Mexico and it was such a good feeling to see so many people come together for strangers. Maybe start that recurring monthly donation that you’ve wanted to do for so long. When we are so far away from another’s devastating experience, we can feel helpless. A donation can help you feel like you’re doing something, and therefore feel good about it. So many places will need continued help for months and years. It’s still not too late.
  • Prayer, Meditation, Deep Breathing 3x periodically throughout the day, going for a walk, listening to music, Yoga, exercise are all ways that can help quiet the mind and destress.
  • Laugh. Find ways or people who will bring laughter to your day, such as a book, movie, comedian, family, friends. Laughter releases chemicals in the brain associated with positive emotions bringing stress relief and relaxation.
  • If you find that your anxiety is beginning to impact your ability to get tasks done, effecting your work productivity, schoolwork, relationships, or sleep, it may be time to seek a therapist to help practice and develop further coping tools or identify if it is connecting to other experiences in your life and not aware of this connection.

We are all going through some pretty significant times and this is just a reminder that we all have the tools within us to get through it. Being an EMDR therapist, I have seen the amazing changes that can happen and therefore, so compelled to remind you that you don’t have to suffer or suffer alone. Please, seek the support if you need it.

 

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Listening is Loving. Are you ready to listen to you? Healing through Mindfulness Self-Compassion

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When a loved one is suffering, we often offer to listen, ask questions, attempt to understand, and support them by simply sitting and being with them in hopes of easing their suffering.

How often do you provide the same for yourself?

Compassion is empathy, understanding, accepting, and providing space to heal.

Self-compassion is doing the same for You.  It’s listening within, providing acceptance, understanding, and offering what is needed in this moment, without judgment.  Somehow we’ve come to believe that taking time for us is being selfish and we need to be strong for others, not our self.  So instead, we ignore.  If you wouldn’t ignore a friend, why ignore yourself?

We all do it and it’s time to stop.  In order to ease pain, grow, change, and break old patterns, we need to be aware of it in the first place.  This is difficult to do when we’re constantly in the midst of noise and clutter in our heads such as tasks that need to get done, kids that need to be driven somewhere, what you’re going to make for dinner tonight, that situation that happened at work yesterday.  How can we hear or feel what’s going on inside if we don’t stop and take the time to do nothing but just be?

Think about this.  When you hear a funny rattling sound in the car and ignore it, it gets louder.  If you continue to ignore it, you may also begin to feel sensations of the car jerking.  Maybe smell smoke, and see smoke.  Do you still continue to ignore it?  Until it stops running all together? If it breaks down, how will you take care of those you love without the mobility of a car? No. Most likely, you take it to the mechanic, the mechanic asks questions, maybe starts the car and uses his senses of hearing, feeling, looking, etc.,  to get an idea where he should begin, and then breaks things down to find the source.  Now change can begin.

In order for us to understand what’s going on internally and make changes, we need to STOP and BE, not continuously DO.  The doing-mode, is like a dog chasing his tail, moving in circles, building frustration, dizziness, and losing his bearings.  Sound familiar?   Now if the dog just stops, accepts his frustration and learns how to be with it, the easier and quicker he’ll be able to let it go, feel better, and move on.  Have you ever noticed how quickly a dog moves on?

This does not mean accept defeat or dwell in our emotions.  Far from it!  It means allowing it to be there long enough to understand what is present and why.  Once we understand the why and give the attention it needs, your mind, body, spirit will have no need to hang on to it anymore.  It begins to fade away naturally.  Have you ever struggled with a math problem?  It was explained over and over and still didn’t get it?  And then that 5th time, for some reason it just clicks.  Then next time it pops up, you recognize it and know exactly how to solve it.  Frustration and judgment gone.

Without self-compassion, we begin to lose compassion in many things.  If we take time to understand, allow, and accept, the pain will begin to ease.  We can heal from negative experiences, understand  automatic reactive patterns to triggers, and be prepared when a similar situation comes up again.  When we’re prepared, we’re able to choose for our self in this new moment if we want to continue to react as we normally do or respond differently.

It’s such a simple answer and yet so difficult to do because we are so hard-wired to “find the solution” by fixing and doing.  Let’s stop doing.  Instead, let us simply STOP, pay attention, be with, and heal.  Here are just a few simple steps to begin providing compassion for yourself:

  1. First step, believe you deserve and need it for your own mental, spiritual, and emotional self, as well as for your relationships. Don’t we all deserve and need a little compassion in this crazy thing we call life?  If not for anything else, but to be able to then have compassion for others?  I think many can agree, in the light of all the news lately, this is especially true right now in this moment and time.  It has to start with putting yourself first.  You’re not being selfish.
  2. All you need is 3 to 5 minutes to start, sporadically throughout the day. Now, I bet your first thought is, “I don’t have 5 minutes.”  Perhaps, wake up 5 minutes early.  Does it take you more than 5 minutes to fall asleep at night?  How much more clear and sharper will you mind be if you gave yourself these precious minutes?
  3. Try any of these simple exercises within those 3 to 5”.
  • Focus right now on your stomach and pay attention to how it rises and falls as you breathe. Follow that wave of breath for at least 5 cycles (1 cycle=breath in, breath out).  Notice the shift in your body and mind after.
  • Step outside or open the window and feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin. Take in a deep breath of fresh air.  What do you smell, hear? Just notice sights, sounds, smells, sensations for at least 30 seconds to a minute.  Again, notice how your body or mind shifted.
  • Close your eyes and open your ears to sounds that are near and sounds that are far. Try to notice when they begin, when they end, and when they begin again.  How does you mind and body feel now?

These are quick, informal Mindfulness practices to begin learning how to just stop and be present in the moment.  The building blocks of awareness and recognition.  More formal Mindfulness practices will teach you to begin recognizing and catching thoughts and emotions, how to sit and be with them without dwelling or feeling the need to avoid or escape from them.  Pretty soon, you build acceptance.  Accepting you without judging, belittling, punishing, shaming, blaming, and so forth.  Are you ready to listen to you?

 

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