Written by guest author Tami Earnhart, LMFT, Child Therapist & Parent Coach
Are you a parent struggling with anxiety?
Let me introduce my colleague and guest blogger, Tami Earnhart, LMFT with Earnhart Therapy in San Marcos. Tami provides 6 tips on how to parent calmly if you experience anxiety, and your child experiences it as well.
Parent Calmly Even if You Struggle with Anxiety.
First, let me start by saying that parenting is difficult. Period. If you struggle with anxiety, there is also the possibility that you have a child who is sensitive to anxiety. While you cannot change how your child is naturally wired, you can modify your behaviors.
By recognizing and addressing your anxiety, as a parent, you will be better able to model to your child how to cope. You will be less likely to overreact when your child experiences life, no matter how they feel about the experience.
Develop a healthier view of Anxiety.
How you view your anxiety matters. Seeing it as something to avoid, or as something dangerous, isn’t helpful. An important part of parenting is protecting children from real danger. The problem becomes when you struggle with lots of anxiety and or unresolved childhood trauma. Your perception of danger may be heightened.
It’s common for people who have experienced trauma to have a sense that the world is not a safe place. Things that are not truly dangerous may seem like a threat to you or your child. You may overestimate risks and underestimate your child’s abilities. As a parent, you may also have very real fight-or-flight reactions that impact your interactions with your child.
Heal past Trauma.
Sometimes parents inadvertently transmit their anxiety and fears to their children. Let me provide an example. Let’s say you aren’t able to swim. Perhaps you are fearful of having your head under the water. Maybe you witnessed or experienced something scary as a child that involved being in a large body of water. Then you have a child.
One day you take that child to the beach because you want them to experience building a sandcastle. You and your child pack up the beach toys, towels, snacks, and sunscreen. You get to the beach, and it is a beautiful sun-filled day.
You’re building in the sand, and suddenly a little bit larger wave washes ashore. It knocks your child over, and they get a face full of water. This of course startles your child who looks at you.
If you look terrified, which you might because you’re afraid of the water, your child may take their cues from you. If you overreact, which you may do because of your fear, your child may experience this little incident as something frightening. Way more frightening than it actually may be.
However, your child is safe. They were not washed out to sea. They didn’t nearly drown. They simply got knocked over by a wave. It all happens very quickly and subtly, but this is an example of how a parent’s fears, past trauma, and anxiety can produce fear in a child. Your past trauma can be triggered by something your child experiences or even how your child reacts.
Regulate Yourself, then Respond.
Some experts believe that when anxious parents are unable to regulate their responses to their child’s fear, an unspoken message is sent to the child.
The message the child can receive is that their distress is frightening and uncontrollable. The message may also be that the child’s distress is a threat to safety. If you are a child, you then can become fearful of feeling fear. Mainly because whenever I as a child become fearful, I can feel my parent’s fear and upset as well. This is not a one-time event. As with many other patterns that develop in families, this is a dance that occurs over and over, for years.
Then is it better to not respond? No, not at all. Think about when no one responds to your distress. Demonstrating no concern or remaining stoic is not a good reaction either. It communicates that your child’s experience and feelings don’t matter. What helps children deal with distress is for parents to learn how to not over or underreact. When you as a parent can regulate yourself and generally stay calm, and present in the moment, you will be able to appropriately respond to your child.
Be kind to yourself.
Parents who struggle with anxiety are people who care deeply about many things, and their children are often first and foremost. It’s understandable, because you care so much, that you would place a lot of pressure on yourself to parent well. That pressure will tend to put you in a more reactive state. Notice all the ways you parent well.
Additionally, you need to find helpful ways to care for yourself. You are precious to your children, and they need you to take care of one of the most important people in their lives.
Practice good boundaries.
By learning about and practicing good boundaries you will be able to manage your anxiety better. When you’re less stressed, you’ll be able to parent more calmly. The bonus is that you will model good boundaries to your child.
Boundaries also extend to your emotions. It can be easy to take on your child’s emotions. If they are feeling anxious about something, you may want to fix it for them or take that anxious feeling away. You may also feel anxious for them as well. Learn to remain neutral or kindly detached from their emotions.
Get support.
Parents need a lot of support in the role of parenting kids. Find the support you need. It may be family, friends, faith communities, playgroups, and neighbors. Sometimes when we are struggling it can seem like we’re the only ones. Anxiety is a common struggle, and it can make parenting more challenging at times. You don’t have to go it alone.
If you’re struggling with anxiety, you may also need additional support from professionals. That may be help from a licensed therapist who can help you deal with the underlying causes of your anxiety, which may include childhood trauma or challenges earlier in your life. You may find a parent coach helpful in teaching skills in responding calmly to your child.
If you feel that your anxiety or past childhood trauma is keeping you from being the calm parent you want to be, and you’re ready to heal, contact me for a free 20-minute consultation.
About the Guest Author: Tami Earnhart is a Child Therapist in San Marcos who specializes in Art Therapy with elementary-aged kids. She also provides Parent Coaching and Support for parents with kids struggling with anxiety.
Tami Earnhart, LMFT, ATR
Email: tami@earnhart-therapy.com
Website: Earnhart-therapy.com
References:
- Borelli, J., Rasmussen, H., John, H., West, J., & Piacentini, J. (2015). Parental Reactivity and the Link Between Parent and Child Anxiety Symptoms. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(10), 3130-3144
- Francis, S. E., & Manley, S. (2022). Parental Beliefs about Anxiety as a Mediator of Parental Overcontrol and Adolescent Anxiety. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 31(10), 2885-2902.
- Friedman, H. P., Bilsky, S. A., & Luber, M. J. (2023). Parent Anxiety, Child Anxiety, Parental Beliefs about Anxiety, and Parenting Behaviors: Examining Direct and Indirect Associations. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 32(11), 3419-3429.
- Perlman, S. B., Lunkenheimer, E., Panlilio, C., & Pérez-Edgar, K. (2022). Parent-to-Child Anxiety Transmission Through Dyadic Social Dynamics: A Dynamic Developmental Model. Clinical Child & Family Psychology Review, 25(1), 110-129.