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Come to the Table: Finding Your Authentic Self

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I was driving the other day and heard this song on the radio by Sidewalk Prophets, “Come to the Table.” When I hear that phrase, I immediately think, “Come as you are.” Then it was immediately followed by, “How often do we truly, authentically, come to the table and come as we are?” We often feel like we must put on that smile, hold back that thought, say we’re okay when really, we’re suffering inside.  Feeling depression under the mask.  Not that we have too, or should bare our souls to everyone, but it made me think,

“Do I hold back so much that its actually hurting me?” Does it keep me from reaching my goals or missing opportunities? Causing me anxiety, depression?

Later that week, I was listening to a training by Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, author of Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, among others. In her topic of empathy and self-compassion, she also used the term, “Come to the table” when talking about vulnerability, taking risks, and being authentic. Got my thoughts running again.

Then lo and behold, I went to church that Sunday and of course the pastor was again talking about authenticity. Okay, God I get the message!

When you think of “coming to the table,” what comes to mind? For me it’s home, family, food. I’m also thinking: taking a break, a deep sigh, relaxing. The moment I get home, I don’t waste anytime taking off those heels, jewelry, make-up, and changing into comfy sweats and socks. No need to make an appearance at home, right?

At home, at least for many of us, it’s the place where we can take off the mask and be more of our authentic selves. Some of us were very lucky to have been accepted unconditionally by those around us. As a result, we can easily accept ourselves. Quirks, mistakes, mishaps and all.

Some of us, however, were not provided the same acceptance. Leaving us in a place of self-doubt, fear of rejection, and developed a mask, wall, guard to keep hurt away. Our authentic self isn’t acceptable. Or even worse, “not enough.”   We create an ideal self for others to see and believe. And we get pretty good at it. Overtime, we don’t even know or remember what our authentic self is anymore. Our focus is constantly on what others think instead of how we feel, what we need, or what we want. “If I’m not enough, then I don’t deserve.” It becomes exhausting.

Let me just say, if you are breathing, then you DO deserve. You ARE enough and it’s time to stop pleasing others and just be who you truly are. You are there inside and it’s time to pause and listen.

To find our authentic self, we need the following ingredients:

  • Listening with an openness of mind, body, and heart
  • Listening without judgment
  • Space of empathy and self-compassion
  • Space of acceptance: the good, the bad, and the ugly

Look at this recipe above. Isn’t this what you crave from others? What’s important to remember is that this does not have to start with a support person. It helps, yes, but it can start with you.

Pause, listen, and be with you.

Try this simple exercise:

Place your hand on your heart and ask what is here? What is this? Do you notice a tightness, tension, an emotion? Once you identify it, just let it be there and sit with it, as if consoling a child only its your physical sensation or emotion you are consoling. Accept it just as it is, no matter what it is. If you notice resistance, then just be with that. There is no need to force it to be different or push it away. To do so would be to reject yourself. Take one minute of silence to just listen by feeling, acknowledge, and allow it space. This is the gateway to your authentic self.

If you begin providing love, compassion, and acceptance for yourself, the easier it will be to expect it from others; maybe learning to let go of those who are not willing, and therefore, not healthy for you.

It’s time to truly come to the table and be as you are.

You are enough.

If you would like to learn more tools and/or need to work through past experiences that you feel keeps you stuck from implementing these tools, please contact me for a free 20-minute consultation to discuss other therapeutic techniques that may be helpful.

Sources:

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. New York: Penguin Random House, 2015. Previously published as a Gotham Books Hardcover, 2012.

Brach, Tara. Article adapted from True Refuge (2013). Retrieved from https://www.tarabrach.com.

Dave Frey, Ben Glover, Ben McDonald. (2014). Come to the Table [Recorded by Sidewalk Prophets]. On Something Different. Nashville, TN: Fervent Records; Waco, TX: Word Records.

 

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How to Cope with Tragedy & Trauma

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Are you like me and feeling overwhelmed with all the recent devastation occurring around the world? Are you noticing your heart beating faster, body tensed up and shaky, feeling angry, scared, or worried? Having a hard time sleeping because your mind just won’t turn off?

With the recent natural disasters, protests, and most recently, the tragic events in Las Vegas, it’s hard to balance between making sure you’re informed with what’s going on in the world and trying to manage the anxiety and stress that comes along with it.

This blog was going to be about how to manage this slight anxiety that you may be feeling, but after hearing about the tragedy in Las Vegas, I also feel the need to help my fellow Americans and fellow San Diegans who were there during this horrific, horrific event. Truly my heart goes out to you and your loved ones.

I want to now help normalize and help you understand possible common reactions you may experience after such a traumatic event, steps you can take to heal, as well as to help the rest of us who are feeling increased anxiety over the past two months of devastation around the world.

What You Can Expect After A Traumatic Event

As you probably already know, we all have the Fight, Flight, Freeze system within us. It’s there to protect us, but during the aftermath, that system can continue to run and hold the memory in place, replaying it in our mind over and over, hence the name, Post Traumatic Stress. Here are just a few common reactions and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Acute Traumatic Stress Disorder:

  • Recurring/repeated images of the event
  • Nightmares with content similar to the event
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Feeling easily startled, jumpy, irritable, have exaggerated physical or emotional reactions
  • Shakiness, trembling, heart racing, tearful, having a hard time focusing/concentrating
  • Having difficulty experiencing positive emotions such as joy, happiness, love
  • Avoiding people, places, or activities you used to enjoy

Attempts to avoid thinking or talking about the event is also common, but can be more detrimental in the long run, causing the above reactions to last longer. The sooner you can begin to talk about and process the event, the less frequent the memory will replay, and the sooner these symptoms will reduce or even eliminate. Sharing your experience, as difficult as it may be, with those you feel most safe and supported by can be a good place to start such as family, friends, or within your church community. Working with a trauma therapist skilled and trained in trauma therapies, such as EMDR, Exposure therapy just to name a few, is another option if you’re feeling you need more support or if you do not feel you have the appropriate support within your circle. Please see my page on EMDR Therapy for more information on how it is often a quicker way of processing, without having to verbalize every detail, and yet, see quicker results.

It is also common for depressive symptoms such as sadness, withdrawal/isolation, lack of interest, motivation, or energy to arise if a traumatic experience is not processed within the first six months of the event. The closer to the date of the event you are able to process, the sooner these symptoms will decrease, and the sooner you can return to your normal, daily routine.

8 Simple Ways to Manage Stress and Anxiety

As I mentioned earlier, I have noticed my anxiety increase with each news event. I know I can’t be the only one. All of these events have occurred in so many areas that it seems all of us have at least one person we know who is being affected. I have already heard of friends, or loved ones of friends, who were in Las Vegas at the time of the shooting. So here a few simple things that you can do if you’re having similar reactions:

  • Limit news watching. Allow yourself 30 minutes to an hour a day or every couple of days
  • Limit or stop news alerts you may receive on your phone or through email. You can do this by going to your General settings and turn off “Notifications.”
  • Limit time on social media that you know will alert you to more of what you heard on the news. So many posts are often others’ assumptions or have come down from the grapevine, and are not credible information or from a credible news source, making it difficult to decipher what really happened.
  • Talk with family or friends. Sometimes hearing that someone else is feeling the same way can be so validating, relieving, and you may feel less alone.
  • Donate your time, money, or resources. Maybe get a group of family or friends to make a group donation. I had a friend coordinate such a thing for Mexico and it was such a good feeling to see so many people come together for strangers. Maybe start that recurring monthly donation that you’ve wanted to do for so long. When we are so far away from another’s devastating experience, we can feel helpless. A donation can help you feel like you’re doing something, and therefore feel good about it. So many places will need continued help for months and years. It’s still not too late.
  • Prayer, Meditation, Deep Breathing 3x periodically throughout the day, going for a walk, listening to music, Yoga, exercise are all ways that can help quiet the mind and destress.
  • Laugh. Find ways or people who will bring laughter to your day, such as a book, movie, comedian, family, friends. Laughter releases chemicals in the brain associated with positive emotions bringing stress relief and relaxation.
  • If you find that your anxiety is beginning to impact your ability to get tasks done, effecting your work productivity, schoolwork, relationships, or sleep, it may be time to seek a therapist to help practice and develop further coping tools or identify if it is connecting to other experiences in your life and not aware of this connection.

We are all going through some pretty significant times and this is just a reminder that we all have the tools within us to get through it. Being an EMDR therapist, I have seen the amazing changes that can happen and therefore, so compelled to remind you that you don’t have to suffer or suffer alone. Please, seek the support if you need it.

 

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Listening is Loving. Are you ready to listen to you? Healing through Mindfulness Self-Compassion

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When a loved one is suffering, we often offer to listen, ask questions, attempt to understand, and support them by simply sitting and being with them in hopes of easing their suffering.

How often do you provide the same for yourself?

Compassion is empathy, understanding, accepting, and providing space to heal.

Self-compassion is doing the same for You.  It’s listening within, providing acceptance, understanding, and offering what is needed in this moment, without judgment.  Somehow we’ve come to believe that taking time for us is being selfish and we need to be strong for others, not our self.  So instead, we ignore.  If you wouldn’t ignore a friend, why ignore yourself?

We all do it and it’s time to stop.  In order to ease pain, grow, change, and break old patterns, we need to be aware of it in the first place.  This is difficult to do when we’re constantly in the midst of noise and clutter in our heads such as tasks that need to get done, kids that need to be driven somewhere, what you’re going to make for dinner tonight, that situation that happened at work yesterday.  How can we hear or feel what’s going on inside if we don’t stop and take the time to do nothing but just be?

Think about this.  When you hear a funny rattling sound in the car and ignore it, it gets louder.  If you continue to ignore it, you may also begin to feel sensations of the car jerking.  Maybe smell smoke, and see smoke.  Do you still continue to ignore it?  Until it stops running all together? If it breaks down, how will you take care of those you love without the mobility of a car? No. Most likely, you take it to the mechanic, the mechanic asks questions, maybe starts the car and uses his senses of hearing, feeling, looking, etc.,  to get an idea where he should begin, and then breaks things down to find the source.  Now change can begin.

In order for us to understand what’s going on internally and make changes, we need to STOP and BE, not continuously DO.  The doing-mode, is like a dog chasing his tail, moving in circles, building frustration, dizziness, and losing his bearings.  Sound familiar?   Now if the dog just stops, accepts his frustration and learns how to be with it, the easier and quicker he’ll be able to let it go, feel better, and move on.  Have you ever noticed how quickly a dog moves on?

This does not mean accept defeat or dwell in our emotions.  Far from it!  It means allowing it to be there long enough to understand what is present and why.  Once we understand the why and give the attention it needs, your mind, body, spirit will have no need to hang on to it anymore.  It begins to fade away naturally.  Have you ever struggled with a math problem?  It was explained over and over and still didn’t get it?  And then that 5th time, for some reason it just clicks.  Then next time it pops up, you recognize it and know exactly how to solve it.  Frustration and judgment gone.

Without self-compassion, we begin to lose compassion in many things.  If we take time to understand, allow, and accept, the pain will begin to ease.  We can heal from negative experiences, understand  automatic reactive patterns to triggers, and be prepared when a similar situation comes up again.  When we’re prepared, we’re able to choose for our self in this new moment if we want to continue to react as we normally do or respond differently.

It’s such a simple answer and yet so difficult to do because we are so hard-wired to “find the solution” by fixing and doing.  Let’s stop doing.  Instead, let us simply STOP, pay attention, be with, and heal.  Here are just a few simple steps to begin providing compassion for yourself:

  1. First step, believe you deserve and need it for your own mental, spiritual, and emotional self, as well as for your relationships. Don’t we all deserve and need a little compassion in this crazy thing we call life?  If not for anything else, but to be able to then have compassion for others?  I think many can agree, in the light of all the news lately, this is especially true right now in this moment and time.  It has to start with putting yourself first.  You’re not being selfish.
  2. All you need is 3 to 5 minutes to start, sporadically throughout the day. Now, I bet your first thought is, “I don’t have 5 minutes.”  Perhaps, wake up 5 minutes early.  Does it take you more than 5 minutes to fall asleep at night?  How much more clear and sharper will you mind be if you gave yourself these precious minutes?
  3. Try any of these simple exercises within those 3 to 5”.
  • Focus right now on your stomach and pay attention to how it rises and falls as you breathe. Follow that wave of breath for at least 5 cycles (1 cycle=breath in, breath out).  Notice the shift in your body and mind after.
  • Step outside or open the window and feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin. Take in a deep breath of fresh air.  What do you smell, hear? Just notice sights, sounds, smells, sensations for at least 30 seconds to a minute.  Again, notice how your body or mind shifted.
  • Close your eyes and open your ears to sounds that are near and sounds that are far. Try to notice when they begin, when they end, and when they begin again.  How does you mind and body feel now?

These are quick, informal Mindfulness practices to begin learning how to just stop and be present in the moment.  The building blocks of awareness and recognition.  More formal Mindfulness practices will teach you to begin recognizing and catching thoughts and emotions, how to sit and be with them without dwelling or feeling the need to avoid or escape from them.  Pretty soon, you build acceptance.  Accepting you without judging, belittling, punishing, shaming, blaming, and so forth.  Are you ready to listen to you?

 

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